Monday, July 1, 2013

Catch Up!

I know I have been absent for a while! But here are a few photos to help me play catch up!

Roommates on Fast Sunday Morning...we weren't eating so we didn't know what else to do...

Chris's Birthday at Burgers Supreme

My babies at the pool

Babies at the Temple

A good friend who served in MN got married to the sweetest girl a few weeks ago and
some great friends came down from MN to see!!

Happiest 5 year old around..

Ward Campout!

Mini road trip to Boise for the big brother's wedding

Wow...what a good looking family ;)

Monday, June 10, 2013

The Spark

There are so many things that "shock" me on a daily basis. Circumstances that send an electric bolt of energy inside of me. People I see, things that I hear, or experiences that I have the opportunity of being a part of.  Have you ever prayed so hard, pleaded really, for something, anything to go the way that you wanted? I have. But life doesn't actually care. In fact, time and again prayers are answered with a resounding silence where I am then overcome with the feeling that He is speaking directly into my soul saying "Dear Sweet Sabrina, you already know the answer. So stop it dummy!" And then I remember that it's His will be done..unfortunately not mine.

Investigate this idea. Could God still be pouring out blessings, by not directly giving us the things that we want?

Could good things come from pain?

Could what I want, be what I actually want?

Could letting go of the old make way for something not only new, but bigger and better?

I'll answer number one first.

Pain just sucks. It hurts! I used to think that falling from the top of a beam hurt, nah that was just a couple of broken bones. If you are looking for pain, the emotional/ spiritual kind is where it's at. Not really. I actually wouldn't wish it upon anyone simply because it is the worst. So why is it within my capability as a human being to feel this thing called pain? Pain is defined as "A basic bodily sensation induced by a stimulus received by naked nerve endings resulting in physical discomfort." So I know that pain isn't going to make me feel good, why do I want it? Most often times I don't. However a basic study of my life so far has shown that almost 100% of the time shortly after an occurrence of pain my mind is expanded and in some form, I will become more knowledgeable then I was previous to the hurt. Studies also show that statistics can lie, but just trust me on this one. And if you don't well then, lets keep going. If there is one thing that I know it is this; pain is a feeling. It is something that is experienced often times without any physical appearance of there being anything wrong! As a human I rely upon feelings 24/7. Does the sun feel too hot? My stomach feels sick. It's inevitable, I need feelings because I was programmed to need them. But what about this word. Faith. This simple yet inspiring concept urges me to believe without seeing, without any physical evidence. What if I was also programmed to need faith? Faith to believe in feelings? Feelings and faith are two different ideas working in concert one with another for a unifying purpose; my happiness and my security. God can put feelings into me, however I need to rely on my faith in Him specifically when it comes to pain. Pain feels bad, however faith is what will allow for me to know that not only can good things come from it. But that the greatest of all my blessings has already has.

I found this quote that exemplifies perfectly the idea of "want".

“I don't want whatever I want. Nobody does. Not really. What kind of fun would it be if I just got everything I ever wanted just like that, and it didn't mean anything? What then?” 
― Neil Gaiman, Coraline

Imagine what would happen if just for a day you got everything that you want?

*You left for work late and still wanted to arrive on time. So you do.
*You don't want to pay for lunch. You find $5.00 on the sidewalk.
*You want to relax and not be bothered when you get home. When you drive up, no one is home to bother you.

Great huh? I want to look at it from someone else's perspective.

*In your hurry to arrive on time for work you cut off a person with a medical emergency who will now have to wait longer to get help.
*That 5 bucks you found belonged to a small boy who needed it to help buy a new bike.
* And when you got home from work your husband/ wife had taken the children out just so you could relax.

Daily we expectantly want one thing or another without giving any thought as to how it may affect anyone but ourselves. Whereas in reality our life is going to be made up of 10% of the "coincidences" that happen resulting from the actions or of another. Which leaves us 90% of life to be lived by our own actions and attitudes.  Do you still want what you want?

Here is  a part of my hypothesis; Pain comes from lost hope in or not receiving the things that we "want". Try this on for size. Stop wanting what YOU want and focusing on the things that you can get. Instead focus on what you can give in the hopes that others will feel your spark.

Question number 3.
Letting go. Ew. I hate hearing those words yet I say them everyday. One child will have a toy and another one will snatch it, one of my first responses to the second kid is "Please let go and give it back". And the same thing happens every time I say it. Surprise! The kid doesn't want to let go. I wouldn't either, that toy was cool! It had lights on it. But then I find myself showing the second child an even cooler toy! One that has lights on it AND it can sing! And now both children are happy.

I am choosing to learn from the humble on this one. When I am forcibly told to "Let go" I know that I am not going to want to because that specific "toy" is the best thing ever! Letting go will mean that I have nothing that I want. Having nothing that I want means I am going to be hurt. But what I don't see is that the bigger, better, and maybe even the best thing is being held by the person telling me to let go. And that I can only receive what they want to give me if I drop the thing that I am holding on to. 

It all fits together. Often times I need to allow myself to go through pain and to give up something that for a time has made me happy. But doing so will never be in vain because that pain is only making helping me to expand, making room for the "new things".

I have found that the biggest blessings can only be found during the hard times. And that when the hard times are set aside I can look back, breath deeply and know that they were a blessing as well.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

The Hardest Days

Voices Slap the empty air, Drowning the love Tragedy carried away.
The Unspoken Promise to Stay.

Stationary I run thousands of miles closing myself to the faked, forced smiles.
I won't return, I can't face home, The Pictures in my Mind
Of Promises given to Hell
Forever Left Behind

Shattered Light in smothering heat I'm dizzy I'm down on the floor.
Beyond feeling, past wanting more
Suddenly the promise unsure.

Stationary I run thousands of miles closing myself to the faked, forced smiles.
I won't return, I can't face home, The Pictures in my Mind
Of Promises given to Hell
Forever Left Behind

They prod and ask, they want to know "Am I alright?" 
No! Iv'e sold my soul,for love unworthily given
The Promise now taken, now hidden.

Stationary I run thousands of miles closing myself to the faked, forced smiles.
I won't return, I can't face home, The Pictures in my Mind
Of Promises given to Hell
I am Forever Left Behind

If ever I find the person willing to share or even desire to take away my hurt and tears, THIS is what I want him to say.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

The best most rewarding not- job ever!!

So I think it is so great that not only do I get to start out my week hugging and playing with the sweetest kids evers, BUT I get to start almost everyday that way! My worries, heartaches and troubles just slide themselves out of view while I am with them. I'm gonna brag on them and their mama for a minute. 

Kylee is almost 5! She can be such a lady, but she definitely knows how to play hard. We always have activities to do or forts to build and she makes sure that we are constantly busy doing the most important things that keep us active and happy. Ky is my biggest helper. She can be very independent but there are times when I know she wants to cuddle. Other times she craves one- on -one attention, when that occurs we paint nails, read books, sing, dance, get ready for ballet, make smoothies, and giggle the entire time! She is the cutest coolest kid and I make sure she knows that everyday. Sometimes she doesn't have all of the confidence that I wish she did, but she trusts in my confidence in her and tries things anyway. This is one rockin' kid! She has this intuition about her younger siblings feelings that is much needed at times. I know that she sometimes doesn't desire to do the things I ask her to do, but she does them anyway, most of the times without complaint. Even with all of these things there is still so much to this young beauty! I can't get enough of her. She teaches me.

Emmery is a fireball! She has so many emotions and she openly shares them with everyone. This white blond, green-eyed two year old is a giggle queen! She is content doing whatever I am doing or copy-catting her big sis. She is so quick to forgive follies against her. The house is not quiet for long because she is singing and talking to everybody. Emmy is a major cuddle bug. She will pick up her pink blanket and just reach up and say "I wanna hold you Bina". How can I say no to her? Often times I prepare lunch and activities one- handed because she wants to always be included and held up to see what is going on usually above her head. Talk about a child that loves learning! She picks up on new words and concepts at the speed of light! She asks me "What DAT?" and then smiles when she receives her answer, immediately repeating so as to understand best. I could spend hours with her simply strolling around town telling her about the world, to her it is a happy place with opportunity. She teaches me. 

Triston "Tray Tray" is the baby boy that I want to stare at for hours! When he smiles his nose crunches up and he shows how many teeth he has. I especially love the way his eyes get to look of absolute joy. This tiny man has my heart. He gives me hugs and kisses and is my little side kick. His long hair is messy along with his clothes after spending hours in the sand, often times just sitting there contemplating the feeling of dumping handfuls of the gritty substance on every reachable inch of himself. He is such a little chatter box, not able to form all of his words correctly I talk to him about everything under the sun and he gives me his opinion. He is definitely opinionated and makes sure that I know when things are not going his way. He loves to eat, I feel bad though because half of his food ends up under his bum in his high chair. He loves exploring, finding new thing to taste, and watching his sisters. His life revolves around simplicity. He teaches me. 

Last but not even close to least these children have the most amazing mom! She is motivated and determined. She places them above all else. She has the absolutely best interest at the forefront of her mind. She works so hard, I can see that she is working to create her own happiness. She is so welcoming and I am honored to share in her life and the lives of her babies. She is smart and she uses her mind to educate her kids. Above all else I know that she is loved. All three of her little miracles can't go one day without asking about her while she is working. She is my role model for future parenting. You rock Amber!! 

Sunday, April 14, 2013

My Best Day So Far: Singing in the Morning!

Step 1: Go to bed early
Step 2: Wake up early
Step 3: Pray out loud on my knees
Step 4-1,000,000: SING!

My favorite part about true friends is that they know instinctively when I am in need. And vice versa I can have that insight into my deep relationships as well! Emotional connections are intriguing to me. The people I choose to surround myself with have such great an influence on me, I also wish to support them and treat them with the same love as they show me.

Example #1....
I am a happy person, it's just the way God made me and I love it! However sometimes I drive myself into ruts. Real real large ones where I still think my giant arm, back, and leg muscles can push myself out but in reality I need either a handful of others helping, or a truck. A couple of weeks ago I was in said rut pushing away when out of no where this truck that I didn't even call for just showed up. Not only was the truck attached to my car but along with it 6 young men began shoving me from the sludgy mess of a hole I was in. What the?? Who were these people that just HAPPENED to know where I was, and HAPPENED to have a truck, and HAPPENED to have just the right amount of force to drag me out of the mud. Directly following the initial "save" I expected them to leave the way they came. Again to my amazement, the did not. They then proceeded to hose down my griminess, the water was warm and soothing. They supplied new comfortable clothing, I soon became aware of their shining faces. They possessed a light, not one that can be seen by merely glancing at them. No, they shone with power that can only come from Him. 

These Priesthood holders hold in the highest regard their sacred authority and I am so grateful to them.  

Example #2....
There is a friend of mine who I so dear to my heart. We have played and smiled together for freaking evers! A couple of days I realized that the people I most counted on for support did not have the encouraging words or actions for me anymore, except her. This friend who is struggling with her own difficulties opened up her and extended her arms of safety to me. I was healed. She also found a safe harbor in me which brought us even closer together than we have ever been, no matter the distance. It has been 9 months since I have had the blessing of being by her side, but I know soon I will see her and it will be better than ever.

Happiness is a choice. Fake it until you make it. Service, gratitude, obedience, charity, hope, and faith will never let you down. Those things are building blocks for happiness and joy. 


Sunday, April 7, 2013


Recently I have been immensely humbled by the circumstances of others. To the world I am real. So real in fact that I have been told to STOP sharing. But you know what? I will never quit. I am a fighter, and I can be dangerous.

5 individual, unique girls co-existing in an apartment. How is it I ask that each has had a similar experience in recent history to one degree or another? 

She was just standing there, "Are you alright?" "No. No, I'm not alright"
She cried. They all had at one point. One most likely more than all combined, but she didn't let on. 
Heart shattered.
Words to bring solace. 
The desire to cry out to heaven.
The desire for the ability to take away someone else's agency.
The desire to go back. To shift reality.
The desire to say "I'm so deeply sorry" one million times, and to make it matter.
The desire to be accepted when acceptance is all that was ever given. 
The desire to run.
The desire to separate happiness and horror.

All desires. 

The desire to lay claim to His gift for me.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Good, Beautiful Person

Am I a good person? Not a joke..not rhetorical...

I would like to believe that I can or am or am becoming a good person most days. Others I go for hours pondering upon all of the things that should make me into what I want, and then I remember all of the mistakes. I wonder if my triumphs make up for those? But then I wonder if it actually works like that, because I'm 94% sure that it doesn't.

I am not a complicated person, rather I am complex. I am made up of so many different emotions that each have their own level. My physical body is a large part of what makes me who I am. Each day I am awe struck at what I can do, and how I look. Whatever beauty is, it sure is subjective. I saw a grandma cuddling and cooing softly to a zonked out sleeping child in her arms yesterday morning, that was beautiful. The song Blessings can be listened to 100 times and still have so much beauty. How can so many completely different people, things, sounds, and even smells be classified as beautiful? Am I?

If I'm not, how can I change to be? And if I become beautiful on the inside, will that automatically make me a good person?

So often I find that mortals judge so quickly. Even when I profess to give my best shot at not judging unrighteously  I am probably one of the worst. I have the greatest desire ever to see people in terms of forever, not for who they are, but who they are to Him. Not for what they strive to become, but for what He is changing them in to. I feel that judging can turn ones heart ugly. Anger, and the lack of a forgiving nature are far worse than any physically unattractive characteristic.

In the beginning of the movie Rigoletto we first meet a two young girls. They are compared to one another in such a way that we as viewers are meant to see one as poor, yet beautiful. The other is portrayed as wealthy, physically attractive, snotty, and rude. The premise of the story is that a middle aged man with a face that has been badly scared from battle must find someone, whose heart is pure enough, to love him despite his face and mean countenance.Through out the hour and half movie there is a constant question of beauty. Physical and inner beauty are compared and contrasted. My favorite part is when you come to the realization that not only did the man need the girl to love him,but she also needed his guidance and support,and grace to break free from the chains of judgement that held her captive. She had been holding herself back because of the jealousy and harsh feelings toward the other girl. The ugly-hearted man, the prideful young girl, they set each other free. One from physical bondage, the other from spiritual.

 How much of a difference could each of us make in the world if we each individually made the decision to be open to love in every possible form? What if we choose not to allow the pain from others affect how we love them? Did you know that that is a choice? That no matter what another may do to you, you still have the opportunity to love them in spite of their flaws. Or how about this, choose to love them that much more because of their short comings.

What if every person was beautiful

What if all we needed to do is ask for the ability to have eyes like His to see the beauty and the good

What if we are all good

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Thanks...Oh Sweet!

People hate waiting. It's just a fact of life.

Boy-"Do you know what time Britt's class gets over?"
Me-" you've got 20 minutes."
Boy- "Thanks"
Me- "Hey, actually it's 7:15, so you've only got 5 minutes."
Boy-" Oh Sweet!"

So much excitement that he doesn't need to wait!

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Gym Update! I get to be a director!!

So I have a giant confession to make! Well I guess not really, if you know me well, you will know that it is so close to absolutely impossible for me to sit still. Thus working behind a desk would probably send me to a mental institution. Guess what I'm doing!!! Working behind a desk. A rather big one, with a nice computer and mostly friendly people. The office manager at my gym just had a baby! His name is Caleb and even though I haven't had the chance to hold the little guy yet, I assume that he is beautiful. Since she is on maternity leave I have the opportunity to take the afternoon shifts at the front desk. 

This is the second week so far and to be honest, I think I am getting the hang of it. I may even like it a little bit. I very much enjoy interacting with people, staying busy, and helping out. However last week I was not as happy as I am now. It's got to be the computer. Last week I came home each night with the most giant head ache I could imagine! I remembered that during my very first computer class ever ( 7th grade) I started to have headaches, so I went to the eye doc. and got myself some sweet glasses. I wish I could just whisk out a magic wand and say some magic rhymes and my head would stop hurting. But I guess magic isn't real...

So there I was plowing through attendance papers when she asked me to be the Junior Gym Director! Oh man was I excited! I will get to work even more with the little munchkins that I love to death! So I have now accepted the position and I start on Friday! Granted I'm sure I will need lots of help and support but she has faith that I can do it! Working hard, staying positive and motivated are the only ways to success. Might I add that praying like crazy keeps the motivation going and my chin way up. 

Saturday, March 9, 2013

The High is So Sweet

My legs were sore for days! I totally didn't care though. I finally was making progress! So last Saturday was my last regular season intramural soccer game, and I scored a goal! Go me!! It wasn't as exciting as I would have liked it to be because when I made the shot a guy on my team stopped it and kicked it in. The refs counted it as my goal though because if a girl makes a shot it counts as two points for their team. Completely sexist, I know. But at the moment, I did not care. We lost anyway...the other team's girls were so good! Man it made me almost wish I had grown up playing soccer instead of gymnastics. But then I remembered how much cooler gymnastics is. After the game we decided to play even more! It was a gorgeous day with sunshine and mud. Our game had been indoors so of course we played outside! All in all we ended up playing about 3 hours of soccer that day. It was so awesome! 

I had almost forgotten the feelings that come along with being emotionally connected to a sport. I haven't competed in exactly 3 years. Still every time I see a gymnastics meet or a track race I unintentionally zone out. I just cannot sit still. My brain is on fire. I am the loudest cheer leader, and I begin to think about getting back out on the floor for another round of competition. Athleticism runs in my veins and keeps my heart pumping. At first it might suck that my entire body is sore, or will be, but once I start to dance or run or flip the pain just slips into the back of my head. I get so focused on perfection that pain can't exist.

Dancing is my personal, nonverbal diary. It allows my mind to shut off so that my body can take control, it lets my physical awareness be brought to the forefront. In this state I can let out anger and worry. I feel empowered when I move. I can literally overcome sadness while I am twisting in time to either my internal rhythms or the external beats. 

Gymnastics is a whole different story. It is so difficult to express something while I am flipping because the laws of gravity won't allow for it. One wrong move and I won't be able to express anything for a while.
( Figuratively speaking) But what this incredible sport allows me to do is focus outside of everything. Instead of shutting off my brain I turn it on to high power. Along with that My body also wants to take control, but there cannot be a leader. I simply let them work together. Perfect synchrony of body and mind. My mind is then taken away from everything outside of the gym and my body can release energy and build strength. 

Soccer, running, and triple jumping are all goal oriented. There is a definite visible mark to be met. I can touch the goal post, I can see the finish line and when I jump I can feel my spikes crunch the cold sand. These are quick outs. Like a fast acting drug my brain will automatically shift into competition settings so that I can push myself. The high is so sweet.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Unshakable Faith

Can you remember back to exactly a week after he let mortality? That was 8 months ago. It feels like time has rushed through my hands not even giving me seconds enough to grasp the changes that were happening before they too were old news. I was so oblivious to what I was experiencing because I was so focused on where I was going, always looking down the road instead of at the pavement beneath my feet. The whole summer is a massive blur of whirling colors and people. Briefly glancing at those months I can make out pictures of lakes with warm sand, people diving to catch a frisbee that was thrown across the field behind their temporary home. There are sticky hands and faces from too many Popsicles, late nights that those people stayed up talking or watching movies. Hands were held. So many smiles exchanged. I can't quite feel the wind that I know was on my face once from my feet slapping the ground while I was taught to control my board. Behind each memory there is so much wisdom and unending love. An automatic trust that was built to last because it needs to be shared between those people. The ones who were there, the ones who know because they all felt the same loss. But even more than that they all had gained the same things.

Periods of time I now see as stages.

1. Being taken care of. Im not sure I could have held on to hope if it hadn't of been for those people. I was able to eat, sleep, walk and talk. Those were all of the necessary things. My care takers although incredibly busy already worked hard to make sure that I was not lost. I remember often times wanting to just drift away and be invisible, but those people kept me in sight. They held my hand or dragged me by the arm guiding me back into lucidity.

2.Distraction. I got busy. I was able to go back to work, not all at once, but for a few hours at a time. The children provided a place to put my mind so that it couldn't wander. In this phase I learned how to long board and how to drive a stick shift. I went shopping, and out to eat at new places. I was glued to the Book of Mormon more than I ever had been before. I went swimming, hit golf balls, played frisbee, shot baskets, and exercised. I cooked and cleaned while listening to music and trying to sing. I drove for hours back and forth. Always going somewhere. I know that I talked to so many people, the thing is now I can't remember who or what we talked about.

3.Happiness. There were few times I allowed myself to just sit and think because doing that made the hurt more real. However there was one time when I found myself mostly alone and worn out. All I had energy for was to piece together what was going on in my life. I expected there to be confusion and pain but this time was different. Somehow in the business and distracted state I was in I had found peace. I was comfortable in my own head. Actually to be honest I realized that even though trudging through the following space of time would be hard I could do it. I was proud of myself! So I smiled. And then that smile felt so real and so right! I was smiling! This is exciting stuff! My next thought was that of gratitude. I had been given the most beautiful gifts. I had been given love in every form. Family, friendships, romance, and best of all, there were still so many people willing to accept the love that I gave to them. This was so inspiring to me, coming to these conclusions and feeling deep inside that truly everything would be okay. It had to be.

4. Unshakable Faith. All those months ago I remember thinking to myself that I was changed because of him. I had the choice to be diligent enough to make my life into even a fraction of what his was. Now is that time. He restored and reminded me to construct my faith daily. My proclamation is this; I will live each day in the way that the Lord has designed for me. Prayer and trust will be my constant companions even when I feel alone. Carnal desires will be overcome. I will place the happiness and well being of other ahead of my own. And I will have unshakable faith. I will always remember.

This is the testimony I have, that He lives. Trials will make me stronger.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Close Every Door To Me

Close Every Door To Me - Watch Here

Close every door to meHide all the world from meBar all the windowsAnd shut out the light
Do what you want with meHate me and laugh at meDarken my daytimeAnd torture my night
If my life were important I would ask "Will I live or die?"But I know the answers lieFar from this world
Close every door to meKeep those I love from meChildren of IsraelAre never alone
For I know I shall findMy own peace of mindFor I have been promisedA land of my own
Close every door to meHide all the world from meBar all the windowsAnd shut out the light
Just give me a numberInstead of my nameForget all about meAnd let me decay
I do not matterI'm only one personDestroy me completelyThen throw me away
If my life were important I would ask "Will I live or die?"But I know the answers lieFar from this world
Close every door to meKeep those I love from meChildren of IsraelAre never alone
For we know we shall findOur own peace of mindFor we have been promisedA land of our own

Pondering over troubles. Thinking about times when mistreatment occurs. Life is not easy, it's not meant to be. A reason for living is learning. Joseph was unfairly cast into prison, his own brother sold him into slavery and yet he stood uprightly in the eyes of the Lord. Not once did he give up. Granted I'm sure there were times of doubt, when his body and spirit were to the point of breaking. When he would cry and ask that his burdens be lifted, as do we all. There is no shame in being tired. Do not feel guilty for feeling weary and worn. Do not give up. DO NOT GIVE UP!

I love how beautifully this song illustrates the concept of faith. Each door may be closed, the world may shut you out, there may be no windows from which to escape from, you may be in pitch darkness, laughed at, even tortured. But we are still not only asked, but expected to believe. To keep faith.

D&C 122:7

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Find Me in Him

Find me honesty, integrity, worthiness, and hope
I will discover light and life
Genuine Happiness
The understanding of Joy and selflessness he will possess

I will find service and kindness in his heart
True Respect
His loyalty speaks well of his character

In the world he sees innumerable choices and possibilities
Dripping Sweat from the attainment of goals
No pride
Feelings of self worth and greatness in achievement

Contagious Laughter
A beautiful smile
Serious faces for serious matters
Blissful in contentment
Easiness and passion

Quiet moments meant for pondering

Heart ache for the sufferings of his Brothers

Gentle when needed
Aggressive in taking action


Constant search for wisdom

Stand up with chest high in the face of injustice
Courage and the insight to ask for aid

He will praise and glorify 
He will lift up all
He will love learning to have no limits

He, will find in me. 

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

A Little Something Ethical

A while ago in the news the world was set on fire by a tragedy that as highlighted by the deaths of multiple children and adults. So many tears were cast of saddened faces, depression struck families that were associated, and anger caused many to speak harsh words. When innocent people are killed our nations bands together by some force other than sheer will and demands to stay by the side of the hurt and fallen. We are United. I wonder if situations such as the Sandy Hook Elementary school shootings cause individuals to reevaluate. Maybe now they will utter a prayer of gratitude, or make that phone call to their sister "just because". However minimal, this event caused change. How long this change will last I cannot say. My hope is that families begin to understand that it is necessary to show love now so that there is not regret later.

To my surprise there are new YouTube videos and web articles circulating all over screaming READ THIS!!!! SANDY HOOK SHOOTING STAGED!!! Um...what? Little babies have just been killed and some idiots are whispering about conspiracy theories? I thought that we had more trust than that. Actually, I thought that we had more faith than that. Let me make myself quite clear; It does not matter is this massacre was set up or real, weather there was one gunman or three, or even if he used a pistol. The consequences remain the same. Stop pretending that sharing a post on Facebook makes a difference. Are you willing to tell the families of those children that their deaths were just a stepping stones for our government to pass more laws? No. Knowing the truth to weather these shootings were government organized or not won't cause the earth to reverse rotation giving us a do-over of that day. No, now there is a choice to be made consciously  Do we as individuals stand up for what each of us believes to be good? Or do we allow others to act upon us, slowly taking away our ability to act for ourselves?

I heard this quote and immediately laughed. Later on I realized that there is no humor in it-

"You can choose to not own a gun. You can also choose not to believe in God. But when the lives of your family members are threatened  the first thing that you will do is call the people with the guns and pray to God that they get there in time."

I have put God's power put into question because He "did nothing" to stop those children's lives from being taken. Wrong again. Here is something else to ponder on- perhaps if God was allowed in schools He would help protect them ( figuratively speaking). I am blown away that He is pushed and shoved out of public but then blamed for His "absence". 

On another but related note, children are teachable. At early stages in life they learn so much! They are even capable of understanding laws! They know not to hurt others, and they know that stealing is wrong. I believe that if taught correctly they could manage the concept if gun safety! So maybe teaching our children about guns and protection is the answer. Knowledge > Restriction. 

Monday, January 14, 2013


Sometimes I feel like all I need in my life at that very moment to be happy would be quesadillas. The amazing kind that are perfectly crunchy on the outside and full of hot goodness! I recently learned that putting slices of turkey inside while still on the stove and letting it be just long enough for the meat to heat up makes it taste even more like a completion of life. LOVE them. The cool new friend who smiles a lot also told me this short story.

"See my shoes? Well they pee on the floor! They have crevasses in the bottom to help me from not slipping on the wet floors at work. Here is the bad part though. In weather like this with tons of snow on the ground they pick it up and then pee on the floor when its above freezing temperature inside! How awful is that!? It's frustrating to get told over and over to clean up the pee on the floor!"

By the end of this story I was laughing so hard! The thing is, it wasn't meant to be funny, he was completely serious! This kid rocks! He makes me laugh and smile and we make yummy food together and do yoga. That has been the extent of our togetherness so far.. Im sure there will be more adventures to come.


Thursday, January 10, 2013

Thinking Love Through

People love. We are natural born lovers. Of self, others, pets, objects. Some love quickly, others from the sidelines. What one person may love is absolute foolishness to another. Love is not passion. It is not deep curiosity. Whimsical interest does not make love. I thought that if all of those things did not on their own make up love then adding them together would surely mean that love was present. Somehow I think that the process acts exactly opposite to our immediate thought.

What if passion, curiosity and interest were all results of love. Not the kind of love for something temporal, but the deepest, realest love of all. The type of love that is in a class above all the rest. Charity. This love is implanted in every human being, but having said that I do not mean we all possess it. We are given the opportunity to claim it, but only through real work can it be brought out of the depths of our person and given to others. Everyone really, because charity cannot be given selectively. It is for all man kind. Which brings me back...I think that the potential to grasp charity is what pushes each person to latch on to things and other people. It creates a desire to know more about an enjoyable topic. It places deep rooted passion for activities inside of someone. And it draws all kinds of people together. The divinity of charity provides humans with attraction toward one another that is not only physical, but mental and spiritual as well. Uncountable connections are made by people coming together. To me, those connections are rooted in charity, in our ability to relate to another person simply because we are both alive.

A young women is walking down the street, she probably has a lot of things on her mind yet, she still looks up just in time to see another person walking directly toward her. They make the quickest eye contact
(physical connection), the girl smiles but her warmness is not returned. The stranger is not upset nor do they act as though offended. They merely place their attention back to the bleak side walk and continue on their path. The story ends with our girl feeling slightly frustrated. But why? Who was the stranger to her? These are not the correct questions. What I very much want to know is, what did the second person represent? In her frustrations that she was not also smiled at this girl shows us our desire for connection. Our overwhelming need to create links, however minimal, that chain us to another. This must stem from somewhere. Why not charity. Is it too crazy to believe that our surface level want for love is really only because we already love?

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

As We Wished- The Penny Date

1:30 am Fairbault MN and I find myself lost, sort of. I wouldn't be so much lost if he hadn't of gotten pulled over for blocking the entrance to a street. Eventually I get less lost until we find each other. I park in a run down lot outside of McDonald's and we take off. To where are we going? At this point I have no clue. Not even the slightest feeling that this night would be different from all of the rest. Not nights that is, but experiences. As he drives we sing and smile. He parks his so very not conspicuous car and just looks at me grinning. I take this to mean " We're here!" but I still have no idea where here all. There are no more roads, just a dead end and a huge forest. 

(This might be a good time to tell you that I am afraid of the dark!)

We walk along the edge for a while, him trying to convince me that it's safe. I know he is right, but it still looks so scary from the outside! We hold hands tightly while walking through, in fact we even found a path. I close my eyes, counting to ten, when I open them not only has my gaze adjusted but the sight is breath taking. No stars but the full moon was glowing and radiating the happiness that I felt. My shoes were easily kicked off as underneath the sky ran a quiet cold river pushed up against warm white sand.

From his pocket he pulls out two rolls of pennies. Handing me one he explains that tonight we will be making wishes and throwing the gems into the water. The best part is that each wish will be verbal. 

I could tell you about the 2.5 hours of conversation that the 98 wishes helped us to create but even knowing that wouldn't bring you any closer to knowing him. As we wished we danced. As we wished we laughed. As we wished we felt. As we wished we got eaten alive by bugs. The last wish was made by him. To always be together even if not physically. To remember and never forget. To remember how quickly and deeply our friendship began and ran in us. 

6 months ago today I found his penny. I had lost mine earlier that day, but I wanted his more. He had set it on a desk in plain sight knowing perfectly that I would be the one to find it and know it's meaning. As we wished we smiled.

Monday, January 7, 2013

The Why

What would you do if you had $2500 deposited into your bank account every week? Maybe the first weeks you would buy everything cool; electronics, cars, clothes. Then once you have it all you buy things for others, but that loses it's excitement as well. So you buy a house, take trips, buy everything on those trips. Basically you are living a very comfortable life, but without fail that money still comes in. You worked incredibly hard for what you have and what you will get for the rest of your life, but why? If buying things and taking trips no longer excites you, then what has all of the hard work been for? 

I have this really cool dream! I day dream about having the ability to open up free physical rehabilitation clinics for people who cannot afford to pay at a hospital. I want teen athletes to get taken care of without the back breaking stress of the bills on their parents shoulders. I want talented gymnasts to be trained by the best coaches and have their dreams of a shot at making it big come true even though they don't have the money to buy leotards, gym time, or live in another state. Through out my life there have been countless people who have believed in me and supported me in everything I have done. All I want is for the kids who grew up like me and their parents to understand that dreams are always possible. 

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Sanctuaries of Happiness

I still feel it! All light, airy, and loved!

I was asked tonight what the highlights of my year have been. My response was negative and then I turned the question around to him. After 15 minutes I had come up with one thing. Moving to Utah* 

The earlier negative statement I had made was somewhere along the lines of this " This year has been really hard, kind of a downer. Im not sure I have many highlights." Right now I am taking that back because even though the low times have been the absolute lowest I have so far experienced, the high points were mountains, higher than all of the real mountains piled together. 

1) My birthday party in 2012 was one of the first times I realized that there are genuine people and families that really really love me outside of my own.

2) My coaching position at K&G gymnastics was a lifeline that I was able to cling to. The children I taught there brought joy and peace to my heart.

3) The people I have had the honor of meeting have molded and changed the path of my life. Specifically the two that let me in to their lives, together we made sanctuaries of happiness. And the other 18 who blessed me with protection.

In the years that follow tonight, I do not ask for hardship to be taken. I ask only for an increased ability to fight it.

I am amazed as I search my mind, reading memories from that year that will never be forgotten. So much has changed. It has been a year of refinement, and goodness. My resolution; To Stand a Little Taller.