Can you remember back to exactly a week after he let mortality? That was 8 months ago. It feels like time has rushed through my hands not even giving me seconds enough to grasp the changes that were happening before they too were old news. I was so oblivious to what I was experiencing because I was so focused on where I was going, always looking down the road instead of at the pavement beneath my feet. The whole summer is a massive blur of whirling colors and people. Briefly glancing at those months I can make out pictures of lakes with warm sand, people diving to catch a frisbee that was thrown across the field behind their temporary home. There are sticky hands and faces from too many Popsicles, late nights that those people stayed up talking or watching movies. Hands were held. So many smiles exchanged. I can't quite feel the wind that I know was on my face once from my feet slapping the ground while I was taught to control my board. Behind each memory there is so much wisdom and unending love. An automatic trust that was built to last because it needs to be shared between those people. The ones who were there, the ones who know because they all felt the same loss. But even more than that they all had gained the same things.
Periods of time I now see as stages.
1. Being taken care of. Im not sure I could have held on to hope if it hadn't of been for those people. I was able to eat, sleep, walk and talk. Those were all of the necessary things. My care takers although incredibly busy already worked hard to make sure that I was not lost. I remember often times wanting to just drift away and be invisible, but those people kept me in sight. They held my hand or dragged me by the arm guiding me back into lucidity.
2.Distraction. I got busy. I was able to go back to work, not all at once, but for a few hours at a time. The children provided a place to put my mind so that it couldn't wander. In this phase I learned how to long board and how to drive a stick shift. I went shopping, and out to eat at new places. I was glued to the Book of Mormon more than I ever had been before. I went swimming, hit golf balls, played frisbee, shot baskets, and exercised. I cooked and cleaned while listening to music and trying to sing. I drove for hours back and forth. Always going somewhere. I know that I talked to so many people, the thing is now I can't remember who or what we talked about.
3.Happiness. There were few times I allowed myself to just sit and think because doing that made the hurt more real. However there was one time when I found myself mostly alone and worn out. All I had energy for was to piece together what was going on in my life. I expected there to be confusion and pain but this time was different. Somehow in the business and distracted state I was in I had found peace. I was comfortable in my own head. Actually to be honest I realized that even though trudging through the following space of time would be hard I could do it. I was proud of myself! So I smiled. And then that smile felt so real and so right! I was smiling! This is exciting stuff! My next thought was that of gratitude. I had been given the most beautiful gifts. I had been given love in every form. Family, friendships, romance, and best of all, there were still so many people willing to accept the love that I gave to them. This was so inspiring to me, coming to these conclusions and feeling deep inside that truly everything would be okay. It had to be.
4. Unshakable Faith. All those months ago I remember thinking to myself that I was changed because of him. I had the choice to be diligent enough to make my life into even a fraction of what his was. Now is that time. He restored and reminded me to construct my faith daily. My proclamation is this; I will live each day in the way that the Lord has designed for me. Prayer and trust will be my constant companions even when I feel alone. Carnal desires will be overcome. I will place the happiness and well being of other ahead of my own. And I will have unshakable faith. I will always remember.
This is the testimony I have, that He lives. Trials will make me stronger.
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