Saturday, April 12, 2014

Remember, Simplify

Do you ever find yourself being so caught up in how others perceive you that you virtually forget yourself? That you want the people you love to see you "just right" so you push yourself, in every direction and you fit almost too perfectly inside the mold that you created for yourself.
 You justify...

" I am happier this way."
"Those changes were necessary"

But what about the person who got left behind? 
I do this. I unravel the yarn of my character until I reach the beginning at which point I twirl and weave and wind myself back up so tightly that I am unrecognizable. I do it in the hopes of keeping love, or somehow earning it. No one can earn love because then it isn't love anymore. It's something that has been distorted,, shrunken down to look like what it isn't. 

The simple things are how I remember to be me. I remember to speak up when my beliefs are being mocked, because yes, believe it or not but I do have conviction. I remember that I have changed and come so far when maybe another wants to always see me for who I used to be. I remember to smile when I am encouraged. 

To simplify and remember. That is my charge in life. 
But...easier said than done, right?

Monday, July 1, 2013

Catch Up!

I know I have been absent for a while! But here are a few photos to help me play catch up!

Roommates on Fast Sunday Morning...we weren't eating so we didn't know what else to do...

Chris's Birthday at Burgers Supreme

My babies at the pool

Babies at the Temple

A good friend who served in MN got married to the sweetest girl a few weeks ago and
some great friends came down from MN to see!!

Happiest 5 year old around..

Ward Campout!

Mini road trip to Boise for the big brother's wedding

Wow...what a good looking family ;)

Monday, June 10, 2013

The Spark

There are so many things that "shock" me on a daily basis. Circumstances that send an electric bolt of energy inside of me. People I see, things that I hear, or experiences that I have the opportunity of being a part of.  Have you ever prayed so hard, pleaded really, for something, anything to go the way that you wanted? I have. But life doesn't actually care. In fact, time and again prayers are answered with a resounding silence where I am then overcome with the feeling that He is speaking directly into my soul saying "Dear Sweet Sabrina, you already know the answer. So stop it dummy!" And then I remember that it's His will be done..unfortunately not mine.

Investigate this idea. Could God still be pouring out blessings, by not directly giving us the things that we want?

Could good things come from pain?

Could what I want, be what I actually want?

Could letting go of the old make way for something not only new, but bigger and better?

I'll answer number one first.

Pain just sucks. It hurts! I used to think that falling from the top of a beam hurt, nah that was just a couple of broken bones. If you are looking for pain, the emotional/ spiritual kind is where it's at. Not really. I actually wouldn't wish it upon anyone simply because it is the worst. So why is it within my capability as a human being to feel this thing called pain? Pain is defined as "A basic bodily sensation induced by a stimulus received by naked nerve endings resulting in physical discomfort." So I know that pain isn't going to make me feel good, why do I want it? Most often times I don't. However a basic study of my life so far has shown that almost 100% of the time shortly after an occurrence of pain my mind is expanded and in some form, I will become more knowledgeable then I was previous to the hurt. Studies also show that statistics can lie, but just trust me on this one. And if you don't well then, lets keep going. If there is one thing that I know it is this; pain is a feeling. It is something that is experienced often times without any physical appearance of there being anything wrong! As a human I rely upon feelings 24/7. Does the sun feel too hot? My stomach feels sick. It's inevitable, I need feelings because I was programmed to need them. But what about this word. Faith. This simple yet inspiring concept urges me to believe without seeing, without any physical evidence. What if I was also programmed to need faith? Faith to believe in feelings? Feelings and faith are two different ideas working in concert one with another for a unifying purpose; my happiness and my security. God can put feelings into me, however I need to rely on my faith in Him specifically when it comes to pain. Pain feels bad, however faith is what will allow for me to know that not only can good things come from it. But that the greatest of all my blessings has already has.

I found this quote that exemplifies perfectly the idea of "want".

“I don't want whatever I want. Nobody does. Not really. What kind of fun would it be if I just got everything I ever wanted just like that, and it didn't mean anything? What then?” 
― Neil Gaiman, Coraline

Imagine what would happen if just for a day you got everything that you want?

*You left for work late and still wanted to arrive on time. So you do.
*You don't want to pay for lunch. You find $5.00 on the sidewalk.
*You want to relax and not be bothered when you get home. When you drive up, no one is home to bother you.

Great huh? I want to look at it from someone else's perspective.

*In your hurry to arrive on time for work you cut off a person with a medical emergency who will now have to wait longer to get help.
*That 5 bucks you found belonged to a small boy who needed it to help buy a new bike.
* And when you got home from work your husband/ wife had taken the children out just so you could relax.

Daily we expectantly want one thing or another without giving any thought as to how it may affect anyone but ourselves. Whereas in reality our life is going to be made up of 10% of the "coincidences" that happen resulting from the actions or of another. Which leaves us 90% of life to be lived by our own actions and attitudes.  Do you still want what you want?

Here is  a part of my hypothesis; Pain comes from lost hope in or not receiving the things that we "want". Try this on for size. Stop wanting what YOU want and focusing on the things that you can get. Instead focus on what you can give in the hopes that others will feel your spark.

Question number 3.
Letting go. Ew. I hate hearing those words yet I say them everyday. One child will have a toy and another one will snatch it, one of my first responses to the second kid is "Please let go and give it back". And the same thing happens every time I say it. Surprise! The kid doesn't want to let go. I wouldn't either, that toy was cool! It had lights on it. But then I find myself showing the second child an even cooler toy! One that has lights on it AND it can sing! And now both children are happy.

I am choosing to learn from the humble on this one. When I am forcibly told to "Let go" I know that I am not going to want to because that specific "toy" is the best thing ever! Letting go will mean that I have nothing that I want. Having nothing that I want means I am going to be hurt. But what I don't see is that the bigger, better, and maybe even the best thing is being held by the person telling me to let go. And that I can only receive what they want to give me if I drop the thing that I am holding on to. 

It all fits together. Often times I need to allow myself to go through pain and to give up something that for a time has made me happy. But doing so will never be in vain because that pain is only making helping me to expand, making room for the "new things".

I have found that the biggest blessings can only be found during the hard times. And that when the hard times are set aside I can look back, breath deeply and know that they were a blessing as well.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

The Hardest Days

Voices Slap the empty air, Drowning the love Tragedy carried away.
The Unspoken Promise to Stay.

Stationary I run thousands of miles closing myself to the faked, forced smiles.
I won't return, I can't face home, The Pictures in my Mind
Of Promises given to Hell
Forever Left Behind

Shattered Light in smothering heat I'm dizzy I'm down on the floor.
Beyond feeling, past wanting more
Suddenly the promise unsure.

Stationary I run thousands of miles closing myself to the faked, forced smiles.
I won't return, I can't face home, The Pictures in my Mind
Of Promises given to Hell
Forever Left Behind

They prod and ask, they want to know "Am I alright?" 
No! Iv'e sold my soul,for love unworthily given
The Promise now taken, now hidden.

Stationary I run thousands of miles closing myself to the faked, forced smiles.
I won't return, I can't face home, The Pictures in my Mind
Of Promises given to Hell
I am Forever Left Behind

If ever I find the person willing to share or even desire to take away my hurt and tears, THIS is what I want him to say.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

The best most rewarding not- job ever!!

So I think it is so great that not only do I get to start out my week hugging and playing with the sweetest kids evers, BUT I get to start almost everyday that way! My worries, heartaches and troubles just slide themselves out of view while I am with them. I'm gonna brag on them and their mama for a minute. 

Kylee is almost 5! She can be such a lady, but she definitely knows how to play hard. We always have activities to do or forts to build and she makes sure that we are constantly busy doing the most important things that keep us active and happy. Ky is my biggest helper. She can be very independent but there are times when I know she wants to cuddle. Other times she craves one- on -one attention, when that occurs we paint nails, read books, sing, dance, get ready for ballet, make smoothies, and giggle the entire time! She is the cutest coolest kid and I make sure she knows that everyday. Sometimes she doesn't have all of the confidence that I wish she did, but she trusts in my confidence in her and tries things anyway. This is one rockin' kid! She has this intuition about her younger siblings feelings that is much needed at times. I know that she sometimes doesn't desire to do the things I ask her to do, but she does them anyway, most of the times without complaint. Even with all of these things there is still so much to this young beauty! I can't get enough of her. She teaches me.

Emmery is a fireball! She has so many emotions and she openly shares them with everyone. This white blond, green-eyed two year old is a giggle queen! She is content doing whatever I am doing or copy-catting her big sis. She is so quick to forgive follies against her. The house is not quiet for long because she is singing and talking to everybody. Emmy is a major cuddle bug. She will pick up her pink blanket and just reach up and say "I wanna hold you Bina". How can I say no to her? Often times I prepare lunch and activities one- handed because she wants to always be included and held up to see what is going on usually above her head. Talk about a child that loves learning! She picks up on new words and concepts at the speed of light! She asks me "What DAT?" and then smiles when she receives her answer, immediately repeating so as to understand best. I could spend hours with her simply strolling around town telling her about the world, to her it is a happy place with opportunity. She teaches me. 

Triston "Tray Tray" is the baby boy that I want to stare at for hours! When he smiles his nose crunches up and he shows how many teeth he has. I especially love the way his eyes get to look of absolute joy. This tiny man has my heart. He gives me hugs and kisses and is my little side kick. His long hair is messy along with his clothes after spending hours in the sand, often times just sitting there contemplating the feeling of dumping handfuls of the gritty substance on every reachable inch of himself. He is such a little chatter box, not able to form all of his words correctly I talk to him about everything under the sun and he gives me his opinion. He is definitely opinionated and makes sure that I know when things are not going his way. He loves to eat, I feel bad though because half of his food ends up under his bum in his high chair. He loves exploring, finding new thing to taste, and watching his sisters. His life revolves around simplicity. He teaches me. 

Last but not even close to least these children have the most amazing mom! She is motivated and determined. She places them above all else. She has the absolutely best interest at the forefront of her mind. She works so hard, I can see that she is working to create her own happiness. She is so welcoming and I am honored to share in her life and the lives of her babies. She is smart and she uses her mind to educate her kids. Above all else I know that she is loved. All three of her little miracles can't go one day without asking about her while she is working. She is my role model for future parenting. You rock Amber!! 

Sunday, April 14, 2013

My Best Day So Far: Singing in the Morning!

Step 1: Go to bed early
Step 2: Wake up early
Step 3: Pray out loud on my knees
Step 4-1,000,000: SING!

My favorite part about true friends is that they know instinctively when I am in need. And vice versa I can have that insight into my deep relationships as well! Emotional connections are intriguing to me. The people I choose to surround myself with have such great an influence on me, I also wish to support them and treat them with the same love as they show me.

Example #1....
I am a happy person, it's just the way God made me and I love it! However sometimes I drive myself into ruts. Real real large ones where I still think my giant arm, back, and leg muscles can push myself out but in reality I need either a handful of others helping, or a truck. A couple of weeks ago I was in said rut pushing away when out of no where this truck that I didn't even call for just showed up. Not only was the truck attached to my car but along with it 6 young men began shoving me from the sludgy mess of a hole I was in. What the?? Who were these people that just HAPPENED to know where I was, and HAPPENED to have a truck, and HAPPENED to have just the right amount of force to drag me out of the mud. Directly following the initial "save" I expected them to leave the way they came. Again to my amazement, the did not. They then proceeded to hose down my griminess, the water was warm and soothing. They supplied new comfortable clothing, I soon became aware of their shining faces. They possessed a light, not one that can be seen by merely glancing at them. No, they shone with power that can only come from Him. 

These Priesthood holders hold in the highest regard their sacred authority and I am so grateful to them.  

Example #2....
There is a friend of mine who I so dear to my heart. We have played and smiled together for freaking evers! A couple of days I realized that the people I most counted on for support did not have the encouraging words or actions for me anymore, except her. This friend who is struggling with her own difficulties opened up her and extended her arms of safety to me. I was healed. She also found a safe harbor in me which brought us even closer together than we have ever been, no matter the distance. It has been 9 months since I have had the blessing of being by her side, but I know soon I will see her and it will be better than ever.

Happiness is a choice. Fake it until you make it. Service, gratitude, obedience, charity, hope, and faith will never let you down. Those things are building blocks for happiness and joy. 


Sunday, April 7, 2013


Recently I have been immensely humbled by the circumstances of others. To the world I am real. So real in fact that I have been told to STOP sharing. But you know what? I will never quit. I am a fighter, and I can be dangerous.

5 individual, unique girls co-existing in an apartment. How is it I ask that each has had a similar experience in recent history to one degree or another? 

She was just standing there, "Are you alright?" "No. No, I'm not alright"
She cried. They all had at one point. One most likely more than all combined, but she didn't let on. 
Heart shattered.
Words to bring solace. 
The desire to cry out to heaven.
The desire for the ability to take away someone else's agency.
The desire to go back. To shift reality.
The desire to say "I'm so deeply sorry" one million times, and to make it matter.
The desire to be accepted when acceptance is all that was ever given. 
The desire to run.
The desire to separate happiness and horror.

All desires. 

The desire to lay claim to His gift for me.