Thursday, November 15, 2012


When I was younger with each passing school year I was desperate for change. To meet new people, to look better, have more dedicated study practices, or perhaps get some sort of a new personality. Although I yearned for this each fall, by December I would give up on my hopes because I could see absolutely no change. By the time high school came around I was sure this was when it would happen. But year after year after year, still nothing. I was frustrated. 

Keep in mind. Hindsight is 20-20.

Reading through journal entries, talking with adults who knew me through my tweeny teen years, and simply skimming through my own memories has taught me so much. No matter how much I wanted change, most often times I was not willing to work for it. But when it did come I was not paying close enough attention to my life to see it! I was so caught up in desiring change that I had completely forgotten to look for it! This is the experience that has brought me to my reminiscent mood; Last night I walked out of the gym for perhaps the last time that I would ever be able to practice with a high school team. I know I am nearly 21 and should have been done years ago, but I can't quite ditch my longing to be around encouragement, friendship, and diligence. Driving home I noticed that I was actually driving! I was in control of a motor vehicle! When had that happened? I laughed out loud because I have been driving for years. Change had happened but it took me until now to notice it. After that I began seeing everything that has changed and that will shortly be changing in my young life. I live away from home. I work full-time, I am transferring collages, I have so many new friends, people that I would have never dreamed that I would be close with we now share intimate details of our lives. Compared to the small, innocent 7th grader, I am a brand new person. To some this may be funny, they may say "Of course your a new person! It has been 9 years!" But to me this is a new revelation so try not to make fun of my being so behind.

Another big change is in the works. I am picking up and moving! Although I love my life, family, and friends here I am taking a huge step and leaving. This was decided so many months ago, but it is actually happening, very soon! I couldn't be more excited. Im not even frightened...yet. This is an opportunity for everything! Continuing my life across the country will be challenging, exciting, and fun! I am about to have so many new experiences!  I will miss certain things and people from home, but just like I do not desire to go back to middle school I won't want to take a backward step and return. So onward it is! On to new learning and new people! On to the next stage of my life!

Friday, November 9, 2012

Am I in the Middle?

Prayer is an instant message that is directly sent to the only Being in existence capable of calming my worries and fears before I even utter the words that so desperately need to escape my heart. It is a reliance that I cling to daily. On the days when I have been close to tears I have not even needed to verbalize my thoughts, they were taken and I was at peace once more. This on going intimate conversation always leaves me awe struck. Each time I kneel down to pour out my entire being I am assured that I am known and loved so dearly and that my achings hold my eternal happiness, it will all be made up to me.

I often tell myself that I am in the middle of the greatest struggle mortality has ever faced. However when I really get to thinking about it logically, I am so far past the middle! I am at the very end! The place where I now give all of myself to conquering the bad. I can do it! I wish even with all this encouragement that it was that simple. That I could just draw my sword and claw through the vines to slay the evil dragon. but it isn't. The "bad" is not the only thing that stands between the end's victory and me. Pain, heartache, suffering,and fear are what are also there. Unlike bad things the pain is much more difficult to get a good grasp on because often times it is hidden very strategically. Physically it may feel completely dissipated but then the spirit will give a not so gentle reminder that although it may be healing the wound is still very real. 

At this moment in time I make a proclamation- Happiness is my choice.It is not dependent on my circumstances or the tragedies that may come and go. I am happy.                                                                            

Four months and one day have passed and what have I learned? I have learned to restructure my life to focus more upon others than myself. I have learned to choose happiness. I have learned that the atonement has no limits. I have learned how to be happy.