Good, Beautiful Person

Am I a good person? Not a joke..not rhetorical...

I would like to believe that I can or am or am becoming a good person most days. Others I go for hours pondering upon all of the things that should make me into what I want, and then I remember all of the mistakes. I wonder if my triumphs make up for those? But then I wonder if it actually works like that, because I'm 94% sure that it doesn't.

I am not a complicated person, rather I am complex. I am made up of so many different emotions that each have their own level. My physical body is a large part of what makes me who I am. Each day I am awe struck at what I can do, and how I look. Whatever beauty is, it sure is subjective. I saw a grandma cuddling and cooing softly to a zonked out sleeping child in her arms yesterday morning, that was beautiful. The song Blessings can be listened to 100 times and still have so much beauty. How can so many completely different people, things, sounds, and even smells be classified as beautiful? Am I?

If I'm not, how can I change to be? And if I become beautiful on the inside, will that automatically make me a good person?

So often I find that mortals judge so quickly. Even when I profess to give my best shot at not judging unrighteously  I am probably one of the worst. I have the greatest desire ever to see people in terms of forever, not for who they are, but who they are to Him. Not for what they strive to become, but for what He is changing them in to. I feel that judging can turn ones heart ugly. Anger, and the lack of a forgiving nature are far worse than any physically unattractive characteristic.

In the beginning of the movie Rigoletto we first meet a two young girls. They are compared to one another in such a way that we as viewers are meant to see one as poor, yet beautiful. The other is portrayed as wealthy, physically attractive, snotty, and rude. The premise of the story is that a middle aged man with a face that has been badly scared from battle must find someone, whose heart is pure enough, to love him despite his face and mean countenance.Through out the hour and half movie there is a constant question of beauty. Physical and inner beauty are compared and contrasted. My favorite part is when you come to the realization that not only did the man need the girl to love him,but she also needed his guidance and support,and grace to break free from the chains of judgement that held her captive. She had been holding herself back because of the jealousy and harsh feelings toward the other girl. The ugly-hearted man, the prideful young girl, they set each other free. One from physical bondage, the other from spiritual.

 How much of a difference could each of us make in the world if we each individually made the decision to be open to love in every possible form? What if we choose not to allow the pain from others affect how we love them? Did you know that that is a choice? That no matter what another may do to you, you still have the opportunity to love them in spite of their flaws. Or how about this, choose to love them that much more because of their short comings.

What if every person was beautiful

What if all we needed to do is ask for the ability to have eyes like His to see the beauty and the good

What if we are all good

Thanks...Oh Sweet!

People hate waiting. It's just a fact of life.

Boy-"Do you know what time Britt's class gets over?"
Me-"7:30..so you've got 20 minutes."
Boy- "Thanks"
Me- "Hey, actually it's 7:15, so you've only got 5 minutes."
Boy-" Oh Sweet!"

So much excitement that he doesn't need to wait!

Gym Update! I get to be a director!!

So I have a giant confession to make! Well I guess not really, if you know me well, you will know that it is so close to absolutely impossible for me to sit still. Thus working behind a desk would probably send me to a mental institution. Guess what I'm doing!!! Working behind a desk. A rather big one, with a nice computer and mostly friendly people. The office manager at my gym just had a baby! His name is Caleb and even though I haven't had the chance to hold the little guy yet, I assume that he is beautiful. Since she is on maternity leave I have the opportunity to take the afternoon shifts at the front desk. 

This is the second week so far and to be honest, I think I am getting the hang of it. I may even like it a little bit. I very much enjoy interacting with people, staying busy, and helping out. However last week I was not as happy as I am now. It's got to be the computer. Last week I came home each night with the most giant head ache I could imagine! I remembered that during my very first computer class ever ( 7th grade) I started to have headaches, so I went to the eye doc. and got myself some sweet glasses. I wish I could just whisk out a magic wand and say some magic rhymes and my head would stop hurting. But I guess magic isn't real...

So there I was plowing through attendance papers when she asked me to be the Junior Gym Director! Oh man was I excited! I will get to work even more with the little munchkins that I love to death! So I have now accepted the position and I start on Friday! Granted I'm sure I will need lots of help and support but she has faith that I can do it! Working hard, staying positive and motivated are the only ways to success. Might I add that praying like crazy keeps the motivation going and my chin way up. 

The High is So Sweet

My legs were sore for days! I totally didn't care though. I finally was making progress! So last Saturday was my last regular season intramural soccer game, and I scored a goal! Go me!! It wasn't as exciting as I would have liked it to be because when I made the shot a guy on my team stopped it and kicked it in. The refs counted it as my goal though because if a girl makes a shot it counts as two points for their team. Completely sexist, I know. But at the moment, I did not care. We lost anyway...the other team's girls were so good! Man it made me almost wish I had grown up playing soccer instead of gymnastics. But then I remembered how much cooler gymnastics is. After the game we decided to play even more! It was a gorgeous day with sunshine and mud. Our game had been indoors so of course we played outside! All in all we ended up playing about 3 hours of soccer that day. It was so awesome! 

I had almost forgotten the feelings that come along with being emotionally connected to a sport. I haven't competed in exactly 3 years. Still every time I see a gymnastics meet or a track race I unintentionally zone out. I just cannot sit still. My brain is on fire. I am the loudest cheer leader, and I begin to think about getting back out on the floor for another round of competition. Athleticism runs in my veins and keeps my heart pumping. At first it might suck that my entire body is sore, or will be, but once I start to dance or run or flip the pain just slips into the back of my head. I get so focused on perfection that pain can't exist.

Dancing is my personal, nonverbal diary. It allows my mind to shut off so that my body can take control, it lets my physical awareness be brought to the forefront. In this state I can let out anger and worry. I feel empowered when I move. I can literally overcome sadness while I am twisting in time to either my internal rhythms or the external beats. 

Gymnastics is a whole different story. It is so difficult to express something while I am flipping because the laws of gravity won't allow for it. One wrong move and I won't be able to express anything for a while.
( Figuratively speaking) But what this incredible sport allows me to do is focus outside of everything. Instead of shutting off my brain I turn it on to high power. Along with that My body also wants to take control, but there cannot be a leader. I simply let them work together. Perfect synchrony of body and mind. My mind is then taken away from everything outside of the gym and my body can release energy and build strength. 

Soccer, running, and triple jumping are all goal oriented. There is a definite visible mark to be met. I can touch the goal post, I can see the finish line and when I jump I can feel my spikes crunch the cold sand. These are quick outs. Like a fast acting drug my brain will automatically shift into competition settings so that I can push myself. The high is so sweet.

Unshakable Faith

Can you remember back to exactly a week after he let mortality? That was 8 months ago. It feels like time has rushed through my hands not even giving me seconds enough to grasp the changes that were happening before they too were old news. I was so oblivious to what I was experiencing because I was so focused on where I was going, always looking down the road instead of at the pavement beneath my feet. The whole summer is a massive blur of whirling colors and people. Briefly glancing at those months I can make out pictures of lakes with warm sand, people diving to catch a frisbee that was thrown across the field behind their temporary home. There are sticky hands and faces from too many Popsicles, late nights that those people stayed up talking or watching movies. Hands were held. So many smiles exchanged. I can't quite feel the wind that I know was on my face once from my feet slapping the ground while I was taught to control my board. Behind each memory there is so much wisdom and unending love. An automatic trust that was built to last because it needs to be shared between those people. The ones who were there, the ones who know because they all felt the same loss. But even more than that they all had gained the same things.

Periods of time I now see as stages.

1. Being taken care of. Im not sure I could have held on to hope if it hadn't of been for those people. I was able to eat, sleep, walk and talk. Those were all of the necessary things. My care takers although incredibly busy already worked hard to make sure that I was not lost. I remember often times wanting to just drift away and be invisible, but those people kept me in sight. They held my hand or dragged me by the arm guiding me back into lucidity.

2.Distraction. I got busy. I was able to go back to work, not all at once, but for a few hours at a time. The children provided a place to put my mind so that it couldn't wander. In this phase I learned how to long board and how to drive a stick shift. I went shopping, and out to eat at new places. I was glued to the Book of Mormon more than I ever had been before. I went swimming, hit golf balls, played frisbee, shot baskets, and exercised. I cooked and cleaned while listening to music and trying to sing. I drove for hours back and forth. Always going somewhere. I know that I talked to so many people, the thing is now I can't remember who or what we talked about.

3.Happiness. There were few times I allowed myself to just sit and think because doing that made the hurt more real. However there was one time when I found myself mostly alone and worn out. All I had energy for was to piece together what was going on in my life. I expected there to be confusion and pain but this time was different. Somehow in the business and distracted state I was in I had found peace. I was comfortable in my own head. Actually to be honest I realized that even though trudging through the following space of time would be hard I could do it. I was proud of myself! So I smiled. And then that smile felt so real and so right! I was smiling! This is exciting stuff! My next thought was that of gratitude. I had been given the most beautiful gifts. I had been given love in every form. Family, friendships, romance, and best of all, there were still so many people willing to accept the love that I gave to them. This was so inspiring to me, coming to these conclusions and feeling deep inside that truly everything would be okay. It had to be.

4. Unshakable Faith. All those months ago I remember thinking to myself that I was changed because of him. I had the choice to be diligent enough to make my life into even a fraction of what his was. Now is that time. He restored and reminded me to construct my faith daily. My proclamation is this; I will live each day in the way that the Lord has designed for me. Prayer and trust will be my constant companions even when I feel alone. Carnal desires will be overcome. I will place the happiness and well being of other ahead of my own. And I will have unshakable faith. I will always remember.

This is the testimony I have, that He lives. Trials will make me stronger.