I crawl onto the top bunk and wiggle under the covers again, just enough to conceal up to my chin and I lay there sprawled out in an awkward position. Not even having the energy enough to hug my knees and bow my head this time. But it's still the same. I cry out to the silence, knowing that someone is there, knowing that He is holding me so closely. "Please just allow me to fall asleep fast this time, please" I pray.... An unknown amount of hours later I wake up the troubled hurried feeling from the night previous has dulled but I know if I go digging, if I go thinking it will swell up again and hit me like a tsunami- that's why I had no power, you wouldn't either after being thrown back by a title wave.
It's scary every time it happens. Like the last time didn't teach me anything. So unprepared, even though I prepared for it. It isn't like a really hard test or routine that with enough practice and study gets easier each time. It is more like breaking your ankle while ripping all of the ligaments in your knee at the same time, letting them heal and then doing the exact same thing that destroyed them before. It probably hurts the same amount except for this time I feel complete stupidity too because I wasn't careful enough, I didn't protect myself enough. So I got ripped to shreds. Again.
Why is it that when happiness comes around I still cannot feel safe? The answer must be simply because I am not. Maybe that's what trust is? Not being safe but allowing someone else to know you, letting that person in deeper than the last, actually giving another human being your very soul right there on a beautiful silver platter and saying " Here, this is for you. I want you to have it because sharing it with you makes so much more out of it than I could all by myself." And now, even when I put all of my desire into not wanting to trust or hope I find myself letting others in. That must be the flaw disguised as a gift.
A dear friend on mine told me a few weeks ago that he doesn't worry about me. He, being one of the watchman of spiritual safety for me specifically said "There are people who have not experienced a tenth of the tragedy and hard times that you have and I worry for them, but not for you. You will be okay." That is what I cling to. That this man has faith in me. He has been on the sidelines and seen me fall time after time and yet still he bets in my favor.
"You don't want to fight anymore do you?" He asked
"No, I don't....but I will."
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